the naive wayfarer

and the tree hung thousands of beautiful cherries,
"me" "me" "me" "me" they cried.
"me" "me" "me" "me",

"me!"!

my eyes wandered through the tree,
i plucked the reddest, ripest, and biggest cherry of them all,

then i devoured it. bloodied red stains on my lips, sweet, juicy, heavenly bliss.

...i journeyed onwards,
"me" "me" "me" "me" they cried from behind.

"me!"!


i tasted one,

i tasted them all.




"me.".

awake > asleep

Back to the times when I don't want to sleep.

> sleep

Back to the times when I don't want to sleep.

3. Blinds and Mirrors, See For Yourself

Rays of ultraviolet seep through the blinds and I am awake. It is sunrise, but I have no plan. In fact, I haven’t even began. Sitting at the edge of my bed, like someone trying to get intimidate with their partner but too shy to speak so. I have no such said partner.

1. Place paper filter in brewer
2. Open pack of coffee
3. Pour in filter
4. Press brew switch
6. Let brew
7. Remove filter
8. Empty contents of filter into garbage
9. Pour and consume

It’s hot. Bitter. Watery. Should’ve just went to cafe? But I didn’t, and I needed this now. I didn’t want to change. I didn’t want to step out that door. I didn’t want people waving and saying good morning when I didn’t even sleep. I didn’t want to walk. But if I did, my cup of coffee wouldn’t be so...watery. But if I did, maybe I would be wondering what if I didn’t, and that I could’ve had the coffee I gravely needed 20 minutes earlier back at home. To go or not to go, to do or not to do, mundane questions that trouble me way too often. Decision making was never my specialty.

But today. Today, mundane questions do not trouble me. I drink my coffee. My consciousness is thick. My plan was to devise a plan. Then to follow the steps devised as if brewing a cup of coffee. Then pour and consume. Instead, I went off tangent, I wondered why coffee is bitter, why people drink it so often, and why I shouldn’t drink orange juice instead.

Everything is blue as the sun rises. Somebody forgot to white balance. Please remind God tomorrow. No, I am quite troubled. Sever this! He doesn’t need me and I don’t need him. He’s happy to be rid of me. But why does it burden my mind? Does it burden his? Surely not, not anymore. He despises me for being that burden. He despises my mother for leaving him. He despises me for reminding him of her. Surely my mother despised him. Why else would she leave? She didn’t love him anymore. She hates him. He was never there for her, like he was never there for me. I’m sure of it. He merely green-lighted my existence, because it was his duty to. There’s nothing to it. I hate him. I despise him.

My plan is complete. My plan is my mirror. My plan is shattered. The pieces, mingled...misplaced. Some further broken down, unidentifiable speckles that will never be restored. Yet they sparkle, and they reflect. Bits of me in every piece, big and small, a multitude of faces and eyes, fighting...to be gazed upon.

I look away. My knuckles bleed. My eyelids droop. My legs weaken and I stumble back. In the back of my head somewhere, free-floating, like a fragment of a broken asteroid, I scream. My body trembles as my mind shrieks. My father is my nothingness. Without him...I become void...ever-adrift. My consciousness will transcend my ego and detach, seeking a new able anima, abandoning emptiness.

What’s left...nothing.




Être continué...

Dream Hunting

!!! Yay finally !!! It turns out it's not a comic book but more of an illustrated story <: Very pretty paintings. You will like it. (btw, this is not my photo) I am probably going to be in Chris' section for black and white photography. If i get in =P. If I do get in, I will probably have to drop Marxism course or ethics course...don't know which one though.

2. The Rhythm of Rain, Chaos

I’m 22. I haven’t done much with my life but I do not complain. These days when you meet someone new they’d like to imagine that you might be the most interesting person they’ll meet. Then they are disappointed and they wonder when such character will show. In such occasions, I would easily fit into the category of the “extremely uninteresting”, and phrases such as “I haven’t done much with my life” can be used often to nullify anyone’s fragile hopes. I’d like to imagine a world where people don’t have to spend so much time worrying about making “proper” impressions to gratify the prejudgments of others. I’d like that.

More people make their way into the cafe, wet from liquid pest. They look uneasy, but compose themselves momentarily. The menu, they should order something for taking refuge in this haven. Besides, they’d want that venti sugar-free non-fat vanilla soy double shot decaf no foam extra hot peppermint white chocolate mocha with light whip and extra syrup. Oh, and cinnamon powder...please.

I’ve conjured a plan. Not really a plan, more like a thought really. I need to do something...about my father. Things needs to be known... How does one go about to reprogramming mindless robot slaves? Perhaps the TV first... In any sense, something must be done. He is no more my father than that of my toothbrush. Yes, he raised me. Why? Well, killing me was out of the question I presume, what other alternatives are left? I haven’t seen him for nearly a year now, and I feel nothing. Our relationship was never...formal. And I need some kind of answer...to this...question? I need the long awaited green light so I can speed forward towards nothingness, I need the clamp to remove the aching tooth once and for all. I need the slap in the face.

The rain dance atop my umbrella. The sound...neutralizing those of burning gasoline and petty chatter. For a second my mind is empty, a random moment of uncontaminated bliss... The scent...the gleam...the emptiness...

Then the sight of a familiar intersection, a familiar building, and the recollection of my home, a contaminated corner of trivial existence. The divided planet, up for grabs for those who can point and shoot. The great cities, built upon the backs of the unfortunate. And me. I am born from the womb of a woman I never knew. I am a virus. I feed off society. The abundance of hope, where everyone has a chance, the brightly lit future of tomorrow. Civilization is my host. The passerby is dumbfounded by the blinding light of hope, he raises his arm above his eyes to have a better look. The light above the commoner casts a deep shadow behind him, stretching towards oblivion and etching despair, the complete lack of hope. Then the light explodes...

By sunrise, I shall have a real plan.


Être continué...

fishes have eyes too!

the rest here!

1. The Tick Ticks Slow at The Cafe (rough)

My coffee is bitter, the sky is grey. Lightning followed by thunder. Droplets on glass window, bending light through warped lenses. I look beyond and people scatter. Those with umbrellas walk fast, those without- faster. Rain...another good reason to hurry along, for God said only 24 a day.

As I sit here alone like any other day, my father is busy. He is always busy. Blends in with the rest no problem. Nowadays the only way you are somewhat different, is for someone to know your name. Otherwise you look the same, walk the same, buy the same things, watch the same movies, read the same newspaper. You’re one of some.

I remember back in the days. He tells me “time is money, son” as if he coined the phrase. Then he’d put on his long coat and walk through the front door. I don’t say goodbye, not since the day he decided it was a nuisance. I walk over to the door and stand on my toes, barely tall enough to peek into the warped lens, he’s already gone.

A young woman in a bright red coat walks by my view and into the cafe. She is beautiful. Probably has a large circle of “friends”, companions. People like pretty things, and the media corporations only took good advantage of it. I am not going to talk to her because I am nobody. I’m not going to bother describing my features to you, I’m just another guy. And this young woman in red, I’m not going to bother describing her features either, she’s just a pretty thing, and surely you know what a pretty thing looks like.

She ordered a latte and left...too quickly. Half of the people watch as she leaves, the other half pretend not to care. The rain continues, but I don’t mind it. I like the rain. I’d like to think that it’s cleaning this place. And the world feels much smaller when it rains, everything much closer, more intimate. The beauty of water falling from the sky, if somebody would just stop for a moment and see! But they don’t, they hurry along like it’s some sort of pest. Their luxury coats and luxury cars and luxury umbrellas can’t take it.

Être continué...

hellu

WHY SO SERIAL????????

On Shortness of Life

"Can anything be more idiotic than certain people who boast of their foresight? They keep themselves officiously preoccupied in order to improve their lives; they spend their lives in organizing their lives. They direct their purposes with an eye to a distant future. But putting things off is the biggest waste of life: it snatches away each day as it comes, and denies us the present by promising the future. The greatest obstacle to living is expectancy, which hangs upon tomorrow and loses today. You are arranging what lies in Fortune's control, and abandoning what lies in yours. What are you looking at? To what goal are you straining? The whole future lies in uncertainty: Live immediately."

Life's finest day for wretched morals here
Is always first to flee


- - -


Was reading this book last night. The above quote one of the best. And the below quote simply and utterly explains why I keep going back to philosophy even when it comes to trivial matters.

"Of all people only those at leisure who make time for philosophy, only those are really alive. For they not only keep a good watch over their own lifetimes, but they annex every age to theirs. All the years that have passed before them are added to their own.
[Big chunk of sensible philosophical questioning]
None of these will force you to die, but all will teach you how to die. None of them will exhaust your years, but each will contribute his years to yours. With none fatal, or attendance on him expensive. From them you can take whatever you wish: it will not be their fault if you do not take your fill from them. What happiness, what a fine old age awaits the man who has made himself a client of these! He will have friends whose advice he can ask on the most important or the most trivial matters, whom he can consult daily about himself, who will tell him the truth without insulting him or and praise him without flattery, who will offer him a pattern on which to model himself."


. . .


What insight to have an ancient Roman philosopher understand your position!

Heheheheheheehehehheehehhehehee. I was going to add a passage of my own to deconstruct the first passage for Tracy but I think my banal vocabulary makes it worse :/ sometimes less is more :3

The only thing I would like to add is, not to throw away today and the things you have today. During the whole of June, even though I was there everyday, your preoccupations, whether in body or mind, made each day go by quite quickly. And before you know it, I took my leave. That one month felt pretty long for me, not because it was boring or anything. But I believe it is because I managed to balance it out pretty good. Everyday when you worked, I sit around "moping". But now I realize I wasn't so much moping as was I thinking and exploring into ideas such as TekkonKinkreet and how Hong Kong is the perfect example of the issues raised in the film. And the fact that I was sitting in an apartment within that very city, on the highest level. Every time I looked down, I wanted to swipe things clean, knock down everything with my godly hands, and see what the city can be without all these "preoccupations" people busy themselves with. Can't they see the world and realize how simple it is? They don't have time to do that. Surely they will never have time to discover themselves for themselves, and not for others. Then you get off work. I go yay and we hang out <: Time passes quickly during this part of the day, for I am preoccupied. But preoccupied with meaningful things! Surely one does not emphasize on their deathbed about the quickness of time during life's loveliest moments. Surely they only complain about how much more time they wish they had to live these moments. To trade in the times they spent working away in "hopes" of a good future. That future for them is now. They do not complain about life's "lived" moments because instead, they cherish them. Memories. Simple, simple times. If we all had the forgetfulness Nietzsche illustrated, we would forget all the meaningless moments and leave the best. Therefore, happiness. If all were to do that, would we all not want more to remember, and less to forget? Thus, the longevity of life, remembered, forgotten, is decided at its end. If all of life was filled with unhappy memories, you will realize the memories you wish to forget, are the only ones you got. Life is then forgotten.

I cherish the moments at mei foo with turtles and beers and flashes!


HubbaBubba! Maybe less is not more after all. I woke up at 10:30 AM today. I will call you now <:

Love, promises

"A parallel situation occurs in the second essay of the Genealogy, in which Nietzsche gives a history of the origins of guilt and of the ability to promise. This history is based on an insight about the conditions under which men can be happy; Nietzsche maintains (like Albert Schweitzer, who said that "Happiness is good health and a bad memory") that it is our capacity for forgetfulness, for oblivion, which allows us to be happy. Oblivion "maintains order and etiquette in the household of the psyche; which immediately suggests that there can be no happiness, no serenity, no hope, no pride, no present, without oblivion" (189). When a man makes a promise, when he "stand[s] pledge for his own future" (190), he is vowing to will himself not to forget. He is pledging himself to an active rejection of the solace of oblivion. He is vowing to make himself "calculable," in Nietzsche's term: predictable, both to others and to himself. Thus all promising is an abdication of happiness, serenity, hope, pride, and present. The promiser gains a stable identity, but at a terrible cost."



Am I unwilling to make a promise for love? No, that is not true. For I believe that all of happiness stems from love. But for something as simple as a blog, in which I must put my daily activities into words for viewing pleasure. I have failed, yes. My words were not taken literally by me, a terrible mistake. My words were more of a thought, an "initiative" for myself to report interesting happenings for my loved one. My return to Canada has been refreshing, peaceful, yet dull. Those expressions have been repeatedly stated I believe, and further "forced" expression of similar statements are not pleasurable nor genuine.
The promise, the spoken words of pledge, have been dismissed by me indeed. The mistake is mine, and I am truly sorry.

A blog per day. I have failed to do so. But for love, grandeur promises can be made and kept to the best of time and true. Surely there are plentiful gentlemen who are capable of daily scrawling, but for true love or transient lust? That is a question answer unknown.

The above in its entirety may be summed up in one word that is "excuse". Is it, or is it not? For true love, or transient lust? That is a question answer decided by you and none.

Marshii for Trayshii V - July 16th

omagosh its 16th already!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

>0<
i haven't done like anything. but tracy back in 1 and half month yay <:
i didn't do anything today again >:
i biked to don mills and back, not as tired as before!
and did some editing again, its coming together OKAY, ideas here and there, just need some skillz to tie it all together.

DAR!

did a lot of picture taking and editing and shit for the stupid glasses -_-"
omg i played a game of isketch with a friend and this is what happened LOL





me and eva laughed so hard when she was guessing. then later it turned out her computer was weird and messed up and everything we drew was like not in the proper coordinates and location. so it kinda looked like a person drawing without looking at paper. hehe.


ME SHOWERZ! U EATING LUNCH!

Marshii for Trayshii IV - July 15th

:O

Sorry >:
So long no update. Nothing much to update! So far coming back to Toronto is like a slow return to normality...or stability. And getting Chimney and Dust Bunny home is another step towards this "b4 hk" phase. But minus the depressive state <: I believe it is in many ways thanks to Tracy <:

That stupid cell phone thing is taking much longer than I expected >: Wasting much of my valuable time on nothing. Oh well, I guess it's a way to relax a bit. I've been taking walks alone during the afternoon out, either listening to audiobook or with a book (to little ends for I was chased down by killer swarms of flies). I also did some bike riding! There are a few hills around my area and my lack of exercise for so long makes even a little hill climbing a tough task! I get tired pretty quickly then I return home panting =P but feeling a bit more "alive".

The sun is very ging chow here, and when the sunrays are directly on your skin, you feel your body temperature rising up extremely quickly. Then a cloud hovers over and a cool chilly sensation is left. I get to wear my ray-ban's a lot here (muhawhaw), and for proper reasons too (such as driving, biking). Oh and I think I forgot to point out that in Vancouver almost EVERYONE wears sunglasses. Like every single person. Here it's less serious, but for most parts drivers and park walkers alike like to look shady <:

Our Wii is not put to much use so far. Some upgrading is needed for some of the newer games and I keep telling myself the time should be spent on something else...like outdoors for the weather is so fine most times <:

I haven't been as productive as I would have liked, but I feel pretty good. Need to finish up our short video! Editing is okay, but I hate being stuck in my room with just a tiny window and walls. Very uninspiring, but I also can't really bring my laptop out (say...a park haha) because 2 hours-ish of battery is scheisses, and no mouse. Maybe I should go to the roof?

Edward is still working on some scheisse today is his birthday but I don't know what he did. I refused to say happy birthday to him for the time being lol. Dark Knight is almost out! There is a screening at Empress at like 12:05am on thursday (friday actually). Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm. I think I wrote okay amount for you to read in your office setting? I needz to showerz nowz perhaps I'z vill vrite morez laytaz.

Buhbiz babez. <3


Memories! ><



sad tracy >0<







.


.


.




+ Vintage Marshii

Marshii for Trayshii 3 - first few days back

<:

Got back. Finally homez, mo mud yeh jo. Listened to cds and enjoying my own messy room in it's original messy form. I was surprised to find it uncleaned by mommy muhawhaw. Went to pacific mall first day after with mommy and eva to buy some wii games. Then drove to fmp area dropped eva off to chapters while i went to look for edward. Eva bought "The Other Boleyn Girl" lol. Talked with edward for about 2 hours before picking her up and then mommy and heady back homie.

Next day william and came driving bonnia's sister's mustang (nice new school muscle car). We went to watch "wanted" it was pretty stupid. Then ate food at this new shanghai food place. Was going to go to their apartment located yonge and welleseley where they aparently have a ps3 and thats cool. but then didn't cuz it started raining super hardcore. they drove me home and wa-la. It was very hot today like 30 degrees but the air is not as un-breathable as hk >: I hope tracy and her itchy hand are okay <:

Here is an album i uploaded for tracy for listening pleasure. You will undoubtedly enjoy it i assure you! Unless you already have it...

http://rapidshare.com/files/128297372/Archive.zip.html




bibi <:

Marshii for Trayshii 2 - July 4th, 5th

Vancouver sushi bong!!
super huge quickly made sushi for cheap cheap


then straight downtown, lots of forests and green things on the wayyy <:

wanted to walk queen elizabeth park a few times...but mo tracy mo yun >:

super huge hmv! (megastore below hmv logo)

and under construction building with no walls


next day went with angel's mommy to super huge mall called metrosquare or something
look what i found! :O

reminded me of tracy <':

i thought it was a giant machine operated horse but then this lady by the front of the horse started rocking it by hand!!!


on way home pass by some houses and took picture for tracy to see that vancouver houses have their garages all in back alley! (forgot to take back alley pictures) they let houses stay pretty and not have cars jam traffic when trying to get on street.


angel's mom laughing


funny mirror at some chinese plaza




sad stitch in car >:








memories!





going home tmr! :3










elbow!

marshii for trayshii - july 2nd, 3rd

arrivez commencez house right in front of Queen Elizabeth Parkie just like my old old house.
this is taken from front yard.


this is mr. turtles and mr. little turtle in backyard chilling. they would like some friends from mei foo.

here he told me not to take his photo, but i did anyways


this is mr. coco peering through glass to backyard where i wus.


this is him sleeping.

this is him hiding. but he's not scared of me anymore <:


went to this bubble tea place that serves alcohol (finally!)
we ordered something called TEST TUBE BABIES (o_o)

it's vodka plus whatever fruit flavour you want in this slushy form

ianlism

angel


so far vancouver is pretty and breezy
flat and green
<:


memories in light >':




i am joker sometimes